Kapitáňová, Daniela: Samko Tále: The Book of the Cemetery (Samko Tále: Kniha o cintoríne in English)
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Samko Tále: Kniha o cintoríne (Slovak)Vtedy je najlepšie stať sa spisovateľom, keď prší, lebo vtedy aj tak nezbieram kartóny, lebo vtedy ich sprostý Krkan v Zberni neberie, že sú mokré, ale iným berie, aj keď sú mokré, Krkan sprostý. Iným berie, napríklad tej cigánskej potkanke Angelike Édesovej, tej berie, aj keď má mokré. Ale ja viem, čo je vo veci. To je vo veci, že keď príde potkanka Angelika Édesová, tak napíše papierik, že Hneď prídem, ale hneď nepríde, lebo on sa tam zavrie v Kancelárii s potkankou Angelikou Édesovou a robí s ňou pohlavné veci. Preto jej berie aj mokré a mne nechce brať mokré, tak nech neberie. Veď uvidí. Bude povedaný a ohľadom toho bude popoťahovaný. Ale mne je to jedno, ja som pracovitý a vždy si nájdem aj inú robotu, napríklad som spisovateľ. Byť spisovateľom je preto veľmi ťažké, lebo z toho bolí ruka. Lenže mne to bolo predvídané. Že: „Napíše knihu o cintoríne.“ Mne to predvídal starý Gusto Rúhe, že „Napíše knihu o cintoríne“, ale on je alkoholik, lebo sa živí a Sedí stále pred Pohostinstvom pri stanici a močí do kvetinovej výzdoby, a keď predvída, tak pľuje, chrchle a grgá, lebo on si myslí, že je to tak pri predvídaní povinné. Starý Gusto Rúhe predvída takto: Predvída ohľadom Adulára. Adulár je kameň, ktorý je žltý a skoro priesvitný, lebo cez Adulár vidno. Volá sa Adulár. Jeho nemám zapísaného v zošite Priezviská, lebo on je kameň a ani neviem, či sa tak naozaj volá, alebo si to len starý Gusto Rúhe vymyslel. Je studený. Potom ten, čo mu predvída, musí držať Adulár tak dlho, až sa zohreje. Potom, keď sa zohreje tak, že je zohriaty, dá ho starému Gustovi Rúhemu. Potom všelijako grgá a iné a napíše školskou kriedou na asfalt predvídanie. Mne napísal toto, že: „Napíše Knihu o cintoríne.“ Lenže starý Gusto Rúhe je alkoholik a za alkohol by napísal všetky debilniny na svete, aby mu ľudia uverili, že predvída a aby mu zaplatili alkoholický nápoj, lebo on je alkoholik, hoci je nezdravý a škodí orgánom. Ja som mu dal za predvídanie čokoládu, ktorá sa volá Mačacie jazýčky, ale starý Gusto Rúhe sa strašne roščúlil a začal vykrikovať, že bude na mňa zle, tak som sa zľakol, lebo aj keď si starý Gusto Rúhe len vymýšľa, tak to sa v naozajstnosti stalo, že začaroval Erika Raka. Keď toto dopíšem, tak napíšem, ako začaroval Erika Raka. Erika Raka začaroval veľmi, tak som radšej kúpil štamprdlík alkoholického nápoja. Potom sa starý Gusto Rúhe upokojil, až bol pokojný. Potom už negrgal a nechrchlal, ale napísal na asfalt, že: „Chlapec.“ Ja to nenávidím, keď mi hovoria, že Chlapec, lebo ja nie som žiaden chlapec, ja už mám skoro 44 rokov a som vážený a pracovitý, aj keby som nemusel byť, lebo ja som na invalidnom dôchodku ohľadom obličiek a potom mám aj takú chorobu, čo má aj meno, ale na tú nie som v invalidnom dôchodku, tú mám len tak. Mne už invalidný dôchodok veľakrát zvýšili, lebo mňa si ľudia vážia. A iné. Viacnásobnekrát ma ľudia napríklad žiadajú, aby som im niečo na vozíku odniesol alebo priniesol, tak im odnesiem, alebo aj prinesiem, hoci ja by som nemal dvíhať ťažké predmety, lebo to veľmi kazí. Ja musím byť veľmi starostlivý ohľadom svojho zdravia, lebo ja som na invalidnom dôchodku, a tak musím byť zdravý, lebo potom by som bol chorý a to je veľmi nebezpečné. Preto mám zdravú života správu, veľa sa pohybujem na vzduchu a večer mám len ľahkú večeru. Končatiny mi nepuchnú. V zime nosím teplé spodky. Jedny teplé spodky sa volajú Panter a druhé Trikota. Teplé spodky, čo sa volajú Panter, majú na nohe vyšité zviera pantera. Spodky, čo sa volajú Trikota, nemajú vyšité zviera. Ťažké predmety si ale musia vyložiť sami, lebo ja to mám povinne zakázané, aj keď ma o to ľudia prosia. Keď bola Komunistická strana, tak som skoro iba ja sám v Komárne nosil predmety, ale odkedy komunistická strana odišla, tak aj niektoré obchody nosia predmety. Ale voľakedy som bol iba ja jediný a ešte niektorí. Mne aj preto niektorí hovoria, že Chlapec, lebo ja nie som veľmi veľký, lebo som veľmi nerástol, lebo ja mám takú chorobu, čo má aj meno, a pri ktorej sa ani neholí a ani nerastie. Lenže načo by som rástol, keď ja mám už skoro 44 rokov a vtedy už nerastie nikto na svete. No nie? No áno. Ale aj keď som nenarástol ako iní na svete, aj tak som skladal za celú triedu Pioniersky sľub, lebo ja som bol úplne normálny a aj som, ja nie som žiadny debil, lebo som chodil do normálnej školy, a nie do Osobitnej školy, kam chodia debili, lebo ja nie som žiadny debil. Preto Pioniersky sľub je krásny. Ja som ho hovoril na pódiu v Dome odborov v Komárne, za celú triedu som ho hovoril len ja jediný a dodnes si pamätám celý Pioniersky sľub. Iní si ho nepamätajú, hoci chodili aj do všelijakých iných škôl, a ja si ho pamätám, lebo ja si všetko pamätám, lebo mám veľmi inteligenciu. Na Pioniersky sľub išiel so mnou môj starý otec, ktorého sme volali Otata, lebo keď sa dozvedel, že so mnou nik nechce ísť, tak sa roščúlil a povedal, že Tí hore to sledujú a kto nepôjde, tak bude popoťahovaný. Tak so mnou išiel, aby nebol popoťahovaný. Keď skončil Pioniersky sľub, tak sme išli do cukrárne s RSDr. Gunárom Karolom a Darinkou Gunárovou. Včera som videl Darinku Gunárovú. Do cukrárne nás pozval Otata, lebo ja som hovoril Pioniersky sľub a to bola veľká vec, tak sme išli do cukrárne a jedli sme tam všelijaké malinovky a zákusky. Sme išli do cukrárne a jedli sme tam všelijaké malinovky a zákusky. Lenže v tom bol najvážnejší problém, že ja som dostal takú pioniersku šatku, čo nebola riadne červená. Skôr taká oranžová. Ale sa nekrčila a na rohoch sa nestrapkala. Len bola iná ako všetky ostatné v triede. Ja ju mám zabalenú v servítke a aj v krabici a veľa na to niekedy myslím. Že prečo nebola riadne červená, ale skôr oranžová. Lenže zase ju nebolo treba žehliť. Len nebola ako iné pionierske šatky na svete. Mne povedala Omama, že ak chcem, že mi ušije takú pioniersku šatku, čo je riadne červená a aj sa krčí a strapká na rohoch, ale ja som sa zľakol, že Omama chce urobiť také, čo je zakázané, lebo to sa veľmi nesmelo, aby si ľudia len tak šili pionierske šatky. Lebo potom by si každý mohol ušiť pioniersku šatku, a aj dve a nebol by v tom poriadok. Lebo potom by si mohol aj ten ušiť pioniersku šatku, ktorý vôbec v živote nebol pionier a aj ten by mohol mať pioniersku šatku a to by bola hotová katastrófa. Lenže Omama bola pánsky krajčír, ohľadom toho si myslela, že má povolené šiť pionierske šatky. My sme starých rodičov volali Omama a Otata, ale len doma, lebo by to bolo čudné, keby sme ich volali Omama a Otata pred ľuďmi, lebo ja nepoznám nikoho iného na svete a ani v Komárne, kto by sa volal Omama alebo Otata. Lebo to je nemecké a my sme slovenskí. Lenže ani Omama a Otata neboli nemeckí, aj oni boli slovenskí, len Omamina stará mama bola Maďarka a volala sa Csonka Eszter. To sa nikomu nepáčilo. Ani mne sa to nepáčilo. Omama čítala nemecké detektívky a ešte k tomu po nemecky, lenže si ich musela baliť do novín, lebo sa Otata bál, že by z toho mohlo byť zle, lebo detektívky boli od jednej, čo odišla emigrovať do Nemecka. Volali sa Allan Wilton. Boli v časopisoch. Mali aj obálky. Na obálkach boli všelijaké fotografie so všelijakými ľuďmi. Ja som sa na fotografie díval, kým Otata neprikázal, že musia byť zabalené do novín ohľadom neviditeľnosti. Omama mi vždy rozprávala, čo práve robí Allan Wilton, lebo on bol detektív. Mal som ho veľmi rád, lebo vždy všetko vyriešil a bol aj veľmi skromný. Najskromnejší bol vždy ohľadom žien. Niekedy boli fotografie farebné. Lenže ja som im ani vtedy nerozumel, lebo ja po nemecky neviem, lebo ja na také hlúposti nemám čas, ja viem po slovensky, lebo ja som slovenský, a po maďarsky, lebo som sa naučil, lebo ja mám veľmi inteligenciu, aj keď by sa to nemalo, lebo toto je na Slovensku.
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Samko Tále: The Book of the Cemetery (English)The best time to be a writer is when it’s raining because that’s when I can’t collect cardboard anyway because that’s when that idiot Krkan from Recycling won’t take it because he says it’s wet but he will take it from other people even when it’s wet, that idiot Krkan. He takes it from other people like that Gypsy ratwoman Angelika Édesová, and he takes it from her even if hers is wet. But I know what’s going on. What’s going on is that when that ratwoman Angelika Édesová comes in, he puts up a note saying “Back soon” but he is never back soon because he locks himself in the Recycling Office with that ratwoman Angelika Édesová and does sexual things with her. That’s why he takes it from her even when it’s wet and he won’t take it from me when it’s wet but that’s his problem. He’ll see. He’ll get reported and he’ll be dealt with due to that. But I don’t care, because I am hard-working and I can always find something to do, for example now I am a writer. The reason why it’s hard to be a writer is because it makes your hand hurt. Except that I have to be a writer because when I had my fortune told it said: “Will write the Book of the Cemetery.” It was Old Gusto Rúhe who told my fortune and what he said was this: “Will write the Book of the Cemetery”. But he is an alcoholic because he lives on alcohol and he really stinks because he often wets himself. Exetera. He’s always sitting in front of the Pub by the Railway Station and he urinates into the Floral Display, and when he tells fortunes he burps and slurps and spits all over the place because he thinks that’s the law when fortunetelling. Old Gusto Rúhe tells fortunes like this: He tells fortunes due to a Moonstone. Moonstone is a kind of stone that’s yellow and almost see-through because you can see right through it. Its name is Moonstone. I haven’t got it down in my Last Names Notebook because it’s a stone and I don’t even know if that’s its real name or if Old Gusto Rúhe just made it up. It’s cold when you touch it. When you’re having your fortune told you have to hold the Moonstone until it gets all warmed up. And then, when it’s warmed up so that it’s all warm, you have to give it back to Old Gusto Rúhe. And when he’s done with all his burping and exetera he writes your fortune on the tarmac with a piece of chalk like they have at school. This is what he wrote for me: “Will write the Book of the Cemetery.” But Old Gusto Rúhe is an alcoholic and he would write any old rubbish in the world for a unit of alcohol just to make people believe that his fortunetelling is for real and to make them buy him a unit of alcohol because he is an alcoholic even though that‘s not good for you and it can damage your organs. I gave him some Cat’s Tongue chocolate for telling my fortune but Old Gusto Rúhe got really angry and started shouting that I would come to a bad end and that frightened me, because even if Old Gusto Rúhe is just making it up, it really happened once for real that he put a spell on Erik Rak. When I’m done writing this, I will write about how he put a spell on Erik Rak. But because he once put a really bad spell on Erik Rak, I decided to buy him a unit of alcohol. And then Old Gusto Rúhe calmed down and he was calm again. And he stopped all his burping and slurping and spitting and wrote the word Boy on the tarmac. The thing is I hate it when people call me Boy, because I’m not a boy, I’m nearly 44 years old and people respect me because I’m hard-working even though I don’t need to work because I have a disability pension regarding my kidneys, and I have another illness as well that has a proper name but that illness has nothing to do with my disability pension, I just have it. My disability pension has gone up lots of times because people respect me. Exetera. People often keep asking me to make deliveries in my push-cart and when they ask me I make deliveries even though I’m not supposed to lift heavy things because it’s very bad for me. I have to take good care regarding my health because I have a disability pension so I have to keep healthy because if I’m not healthy I could get ill and that would be very dangerous. That’s why I have a healthy life of style and I take plenty of exercise out in the fresh air and I only have a light supper in the evening. My extremities don’t swell up. In wintertime I wear thermal underwear. One of my thermal underwears is called Panther and another one is called Trikota. The underwear called Panther has an animal called panther embroidered on the leg. The underwear called Trikota has no animal embroidered on it. But I’m not supposed to lift heavy things so people have to do it themselves because I’m not supposed to do it and that’s the law, so I don’t care even if they beg me. When we still had the Communist Party, I was nearly the only person in Komárno making deliveries but now the Communist Party has gone and some shops have also started making deliveries too. But back then it was only me and a few other people. Another reason why some people call me Boy is because I’m not very tall because I didn’t grow very much because I have this illness that has a proper name and with this illness you never have to shave and you don’t grow. But I don’t need to grow anyway because I’m nearly 44 years old and nobody in the world grows when they’re nearly 44, right? Right. The thing is, even though I haven’t grown like everyone else in the world, it was me they picked to recite the Young Pioneer’s Oath on behalf of the whole class, because I was normal just like everyone else and I still am, because I’m no retard and I went to a normal school, not a Special School for retards, because I’m no retard. That’s why I was chosen to recite the Young Pioneer’s Oath. The Young Pioneer’s Oath is beautiful. I recited the Young Pioneer’s Oath on stage at the Trade Union House in Komárno, and it was just me alone reciting it on behalf of the whole class, and I still remember every word of the Young Pioneer’s Oath. Nobody else remembers it anymore even though they went on to lots of different schools but I do remember it because I remember everything, because I’ve got I.Q. My Grandfather, whom we used to call Opapa, went with me to take the Young Pioneer’s Oath because he found out that nobody else wanted to go with me and he got angry and said that the High Ups would find out and that those who didn’t go would be in for it. That’s why he went with me so that he wouldn’t be in for it. When the Young Pioneer’s Oath was over, we went to a café together with Karol Gunár Dr. Soc. Sci and Darinka Gunárová. I saw Darinka Gunárová yesterday. Opapa invited us to the café, because I was the one they picked to recite the Young Pioneer’s Oath and that was a big thing, so we all went to the café and had all sorts of lemonades and pastries. But the worst problem was that my Young Pioneer’s Scarf wasn’t properly red. It was sort of orange. The good thing was that it didn’t crease and its corners didn’t fray. But it wasn’t like all the other Young Pioneers’ Scarves in our class. I still have it because I keep it wrapped up in a napkin in a box and sometimes I think about it a lot. Like why it wasn’t properly red but sort of orange. Then again, it didn’t need ironing. But it wasn’t like all the other Young Pioneer’s Scarves in the world. My Omama said that she would make me a Young Pioneer’s Scarf that was properly red and would crease and have corners that fray if I wanted one, but I got frightened that Omama might do something that wasn’t allowed, because back then you couldn’t just make your own Young Pioneer’s Scarf because it wasn’t allowed. Because then anyone could have made themselves a Young Pioneer’s Scarf or even two and that would have made a horrible mess. Because then some person who had never been a Young Pioneer in their life could have had his own Young Pioneer’s Scarf and that would have been a total disaster. The thing is, Omama was a tailor regarding men’s clothes and that’s why she thought that she was allowed to make Young Pioneers’ Scarves. We used to call our grandparents Omama and Opapa but only at home because it would have been weird to call them Omama and Opapa in front of other people because I don’t know anybody else in the world or in Komárno who’s called Omama or Opapa. Because that’s in German and we are in Slovakia. But Omama and Opapa were not German because they were in Slovakia, except that Omama’s grandmother was Hungarian and her name was Eszter Csonka, meaning that she had a Hungarian name too. And nobody liked that. I didn’t like it either. Omama used to read German detective stories and she read them in German, except that she had to wrap them up in newspaper because Opapa was scared that they would get into trouble because those detective stories were by a woman who had gone to Germany for emigration. The stories were called Allan Wilton. They were in journals. They had covers too. The covers had lots of different photographs with lots of different people in them. I used to look at the photographs until Opapa said that they had to be wrapped up in newspaper regarding unvisibility. Omama always used to tell me all about Allan Wilton and what he was up to because he was a detective. I loved him because he always solved everything and he was very modest too. He was especially modest regarding women. Sometimes the photos were in colour. But I couldn’t understand them in colour either because I don’t speak German because I don’t have time for such silly things. I can speak Slovak because I’m a Slovak and I can speak Hungarian because I’ve learned it because I’ve got I.Q., even though you’re not supposed to do that because this is Slovakia.
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